I’m 36 lbs down now and i’m here to tell you that this is my moment.
Well before 2006 (when blogging seemed to be red hot), I knew of “blogs”. Open Diary was the first site that I “blogged” on. I met some fairly cool writers on the site and would frequent their spaces on the interwebs because I was inspired by what they wrote. Blogging only grew from there. Everyone had a blog and at one point in time probably had one of those kitschy scrapbook page designs for their blog site. My subject of choice initially was mommy blogs. As a new mom, I enjoyed reading blogs about motherhood and all of the little daily happy and sad instances in life.
Soon, the Biggest Loser blew up on our televisions to epic proportions of success. I watched the show and so badly wanted to be part of it all. I cried every episode along with the contestants. I became inspired. I became determined and so I started my first weight loss journey blog. I came across some great blogs in that time. I’m not going to lie though, any reader of weight loss blogs knew the pattern – no blog updates for a period of time meant that the author had fallen off of the proverbial wagon. Soon, they would be back at it writing how they realize the error of their ways and planted their ass firmly back on the wagon for GOOD. There was a pattern to this though. It would be good for awhile but then poof! until one day the blog sat stagnant and abandoned.
I’m pretty sure I’ve done this here a few times. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did it on the last blog. I have always envied those bloggers that saw it through to the end. Those people with enough gusto to lose all the weight they vowed to lose. I always felt thankful whenever someone shared their journey (even if they eventually abandoned it). Until you’ve been there, you can’t know what it feels like to live in a shell of obesity. There’s a sculpture or something somewhere of a thin woman carving herself out of her obese body (found it!).
It’s disturbing to look at for a few reasons:
1) It tells the truth, that weight loss takes patience. Chisel away one day at a time. I once dreamed of a machine that would make me instantly thin. It’s too bad something like that doesn’t exist but it’s not reality. There is beauty in the time and effort it takes to achieve but I still certainly wouldn’t complain if a machine like that existed.
2) It speaks loudly about how women view themselves. Women constantly judge themselves by how they look. If not by their weight (no matter your size, admit it — you’ve had “fat” moments), then by their facial features or other parts of their body.
3) It’s sad to look at because even though the woman in the sculpture has come so far, she still has so far to go and that half thin / half obese thing she’s got going on looks uncomfortable. I feel a little like that sculpture sometimes.
Still, all of those blogs that I read, I remember wishing that I was at the same point in my journey that they were in theirs. They seemed to have it figured out, while I felt like I floundered and fumbled among short bursts of clarity. They celebrated their moments of success and they were able to bring back wisdom from the top of the mountain they had climbed to share with the rest of us.
36lbs is a small drop in the bucket for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of every pound lost but I know that on my journey, I still have much farther to go.
You know what, though? I know that this is my moment to get to goal. Someday soon I will be where I need to be.