Last week was a really fantastic week! 🙂 I’m down 2.6 pounds and am definitely back on track and headed in the direction I need to be!
I know that I haven’t been pulling “Biggest Loser” style numbers or anything. For me, it has never been about the number on the scale (only) or heck, even the clothing size that I wear. For me, it is about changing. Changing my life, changing my health, changing my attitude and moving forward overall.
To see yourself change and start to become the person you are meant to be, is a pretty awesome experience! Food has always had a symbolic hold over me. It meant celebration, fun, sadness, worry, excitement, anger, fear, comfort, control. All of these feelings rolled up into a neat and not-so-neat little swirly ball. Isn’t funny how sometimes feelings can mean everything and nothing all in one breath? I digress.
After reading Women, Food & God, I recognize that I had always been someone who was truly afraid of her feelings. I never felt worthy enough to share my struggles. The feelings always came with an extra side of guilt. Guilt like a flood to the point of swallowing me whole. The word “Sorry” became my mantra. As though I was apologizing for everything — even the very fact that I existed. All because of my weight. All because of what the scale said — what the clothing label read. I let those details dictate the person I was to become.
I watched the first few episodes of HBO’s hit series Girls over the New Year holiday. Lena Dunham’s character “Hannah” is truly inspired. In the first scene, she is sitting at a table in a restaurant with her parents. She is slightly stunned, after hearing the news that she is being cut off. She starts on an inspired diatribe about how she could be a drug addict, about how lucky they are that she isn’t. Then, she says something truly inspired… “I am busy trying to become who I am.” I mean… how true is that? I totally get that and can relate to that. I too am busy trying to become who I am. Those little parts of yourself that you recognize are there but haven’t yet truly emerged.
Where this road leads is to a place of empowerment and trust in myself. I know who I am. Now I just need to trust myself enough to let me be the person I am.